I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
