No awkward lesbian experiences without me
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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