i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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