Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
