I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Blow job season was short but glorious.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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