I cannot find my penis.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We got so high we made milksteak
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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