I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
