YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
