idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
