The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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