What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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