Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
