...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
