It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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