So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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