evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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