She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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