Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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