you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My pussy is not your playground.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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