So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
