she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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