the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My pussy is not your playground.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This is the high leading the old right now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
