Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
