Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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