No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
