You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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