just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
