Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Someone came in the potted fern
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
