filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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