i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
