buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
