I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
