Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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