she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
