I'm gonna have a badass scar
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
