i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
