WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
