So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
