Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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