So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
