what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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