Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
