I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
