I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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