i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
