You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
