Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
