a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
