Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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