So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
